The Prolonged Adventures of Paul Revere

2005-09-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

Headphones
Holy shit!
My headphones just broke.
This is my fifth pair of broken headphones since I got my iPod in January. What!
It's not even like I'm buying the same brand or style of headphones, I try out all kinds of different things every time I have to get a new pair!
Shit sux.
Headphones suck.
1/10

2005-09-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

The Killers
They became really popular starting last summer, and coasted on their first album for the entire last year, releasing a new single every three or four months to keep interest up. Brandon Flowers, the frontman, wears too much makeup. But that's forgiveable. Even Green Day wears too much makeup nowaday. Also, his last name is too hippie for someone who isn't actually a hippie. In general I can never remember what songs are called, but with The Killers it's easy because the name of the song is always such a major prominent part of the lyrics. They've had some lame rivalry with The Bravery because they sound similar. Listening to the Bravery actually makes me like the Killers less, and it doesn't make me like the Bravery either. 6/10

Franz Ferdinand
Last summer was the time when Take Me Out came out as well. Franz and the Killers were consistently played together on the radio for the entire summer. Always, one after the other. But after the summer Franz's singles never made it as big as The Killers'. They were just as popular a band, but they got a quarter as much radio time. For most of the year it sort of puzzled me, but it occurs to me that Franz Ferdinand just released a new album, and the Killers are still touring for their debut, so Hot Fuss was probably just being promoted like hell. Franz Ferdinand writes and plays better music than the Killers. 9/10

The Drummer From Franz Ferdinand
Amazingly ugly. Wow!
Really, look at him in this video. He's the third one over. There is nothing else remarkable about him. 4/10

Because that video isn't going to be hosted forever, and also because someone's computer might not have quicktime or something, here's a picture of Franz's drummer: Ugly Drummer

2005-09-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle
harold: I grew up like this
kumar: and I grew up like this
harold: we grew up differently
kumar: we have different worldviews
harold: my natural inclination to be cooperative is superseded by my inclination to be antagonized when presented with a conflicting worldview.
kumar: as is mine.
harold lunges and punches kumar in the thigh.
I have never seen Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle and the above dialogue is unrelated save for the names. I imagine it's probably a pretty funny movie. Then again, my life has not seemed to lack as a direct result of my not seeing it. 5/10

2005-09-14T00:33:00.000-07:00

Pierced Eyeglasses
Zomigod! These are about the second coolest thing in the entire universe. Seriously. I actually wish I had flawed vision and needed glasses just so I could get these! They're way cooler than the big chunky Elvis Costello glasses. Cooler than pretty much anything you can put on your face ever! Seriously, I'm tempted to get them and then just have normal glass in them, like those dudes who get fashionable glasses with ordinary glass. Actually, they're not available for public consumption yet, so maybe by the time they are I'll have bad eyes. 9/10

2005-09-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Where The Streets Have No Name
It's the same as I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, except with different words. 3/10

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Seriously, they're the same. When one comes on the radio I am unable to distinguish between them until the chorus. 3/10

2005-09-01T02:41:00.000-07:00

Straw Houses
Very flimsy. Very inexpensive. Likely hard to work with, one of many reasons straw is not widely considered a viable building material. A wolf can easily blow such a house down. Hell, a hungry goat could eat such a house. 3/10

Wooden Houses
The second little pig was a retard. He made his house out of a random bundle of fucking sticks. Firewood essentially. If he'd used some proper lumber the wolf wouldn't have blown his house down with such ease and he'd still be alive today. Ignoring the retarded second pig, houses made from wood are actually quite practical. 8/10

Brick Houses
Upon initial considerations brick seems safe and reliable. This is a falacy. Very unsafe in earthquake conditions. You don't want to be trapped under twenty tons of brick and mortar when the big one hits. Fairly safe from brisk winds and huffing puffing wolves. Have you ever read The Cask of Amontillado by Edgar Allen Poe? This demonstrates the gravest danger of brick and mortar buildings. You never hear about drunks being sealed and left to rot away in the niches of wooden or straw houses. 5/10

Glass Houses
Generally metaphorical. Would be highly impractical in real life. 2/10

2005-08-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

Guys Who Look Like Me
I'm attracted to guys who look like me. Not necessarily exactly like me, but they look similar to me or maybe share some facial feature with me.
Is this gay or just narcissistic?
9/10

2005-08-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

Urban Hymns by The Verve
There are lots of Britpop bands which don't sound like Oasis. Most of them in fact. The Verve does not seem like one of these bands. Do not be fooled by Bittersweet Symphony, the only song you've ever heard by them. That song is actually just a clip of an orchestral version of The Last Time by The Rolling Stones looped over and over with Richard Ashcroft singing over it all and some drums. They did not make the music. Their actual music just sounds like sadder Oasis with less rock. 3/10

2005-07-29T02:30:00.000-07:00

Blood
Loads of symbolic value, comes out of people when they're hurt. 8/10

Spit
Potential uses include projecting towards undesirable people, launching from great heights and polishing the filth from assorted surfaces. Of the three fluids, spit is the healthiest to consume. 7/10

Piss
Contains ammonium. Ammonium nitrate is a strong oxidizer which can be used to make explosives. Despite this, urine still isn't cool. And jokes about it still aren't funny. 4/10

2005-07-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Orange Juice With Pulp
Amazing. Better than real oranges. Fricking rad. King of the juice world. 9/10

Orange Juice Without Pulp
Too acidic. 6/10

Orange Juice From Concentrate
Sucks 3/10

Orange Juice From Concentrate Made With Milk Instead of Water
Disgusting. Also, surprisingly delicious (very surprisingly). The most terrifying thing you'll ever drink for the first time. Probably shouldn't exist in this world, but thank god it does. the only good thing to do with orange juice concentrate. 7/10

2005-07-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Okay. My last seven posts have been somehow or other related to music. Considering I specifically told myself when I started this that I would primarily review other things than music, some changes are clearly in order.

The following is adapted from a conversation, so my apologies to Richard and anyone else who has already heard most of this.

Coffee From Starbucks
Good. Strong. Expensive. Ideal for yuppies. Also suitable for hip kids who are medium to medium-high on the hiposity scale. The kind of kids who like Garden State and bands found on licensed The OC mixtapes. Did I mention that it's expensive? Yes. But it is pretty good. They also supposedly pay the farmers in third world countries who grow their coffee above the local average wage. Maybe that's why it's so expensive. 6/10

Coffee from McDonalds
Utter shit. Unbearable to consume and behold alike. An abomination in the eyes of the Lord to be condemned and destroyed without mercy or hesitation. 0/10

Coffe from Obscure Hole In the Wall Coffeeshops
Very deck. This is where the kids who are too hip for Starbucks hang out. Ideal coffee and cigarettes atmosphere. The coffee that people associate with beatniks comes from places like this. Suitable for an elite caste of kids who are willing to pick a specific coffeeshop and be unshakably loyal to it, developing at least casual friendship with all of the regulars and baristas. Said kids must also pass a written test proving themselves to be cool enough. 7/10

Coffee from Tim Hortons
Good coffee. And cheap. And simple. The complicated lingo begins and ends with "double double" which means two sugar two cream. And if you just say "two sugar two cream" they understand that too. Ideal for blue collar workers or middle class yuppies on their way to the office. To reiterate, it's cheap, and it's good. And you can get it with a donut. 9/10

2005-07-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

My First Listen Through of Dear Catastrophe Waitress
The first Belle & Sebastian I ever heard was Your Cover's Blown, possibly their greatest song (possibly the greatest song ever).
So later that week I picked up the Dog on Wheels EP from a used CD store. It had The State That I Am In on it which is the other contender for the title of Belle & Sebastian's greatest song (and possibly the greatest song ever). After listening to that for a month I got If You're Feeling Sinister and listened to that for the rest of the summer. It was amazing.
But everything I've bought after that has been slightly more and more disapointing, unable to live up to the unbearable expectations set by these songs and albums. Tigermilk is wonderful, but I like Sinister more, The Boy with the Arab Strap isn't nearly as bad as Pitchfork makes it out to be, but it's not as good as either Sinister or Tigermilk. I bought the 1995-2001 collection of EPs the other day Push Barman to Open Old Wounds, and it's better than Arab Strap, and contends with Tigermilk, but most of it isn't as good as that first EP I bought, Dog on Wheels.
Finally I bought Dear Catastrophe Waitress after holding out for an entire year because I don't like paying more than nineteen dollars for a CD. My expectations were so high that I didn't want my first listen to just be me putting it on while I read or wrote or stenciled or computered or something, I wanted to sit and listen to it. So I had it for more than a week until today when I finally said screw it, I'll put it on while I play computer games. The first track was so ubearably good that I rolled off my bed in amaze when it started playing. The second song as also incapacitatingly good and lay on the floor for the rest of the album, leafing through the liner notes and looking at the cover art. I'm listening to it for my second time while I write this and it's still awesome. 10/10

2005-07-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

Buying CDs
On the one hand it's lots of fun to browse through CDs and look for things I'm interested in buying, admiring cover art, checking song lists for things I recognize, looking for bands I'd like to better aquaint myself with, etc.
On the other hand, the average CD is almost up to $20 now a day.
On the one hand there's something nice about having solid real CDs, I don't read books on a computer, and though lesso, real solid CDs are cool too.
But then, I spent an hour and a half looking through three different stores with a list of seven CDs I wanted and didn't find any of them. I went home and downloaded half of them immediately.
Buying CDs is supposedly the morally correct thing to do, it gives money to the artists and the distributers.
Some record companies have started using anti-copy protection to keep you from ripping CDs to computers. A month or two ago I bought a copy protected CD and tried to rip it. It let me rip it right down to the last five seconds of the last song. For the sake of completion I downloaded a fully intact copy of that song.
Holy hell, are they outright trying to discourage CD sales here?
To conclude, buy what you can (be bothered to), download the rest. 5/10

2005-07-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

Slut by Pretty Flowers
So it's basically just a punk song about a slutty girl. It's pretty okay I guess. Definitely the best song by the Pretty Flowers. But that doesn't matter.
What does matter is this. In the first verse they establish that her promiscuity stems from her insecurity and that she ought to get some help. So right away I'm sympathetic to her, because y'know, I'm just the kind of guy who feels for unhappy slutty girls. But then for the rest of the song she is just cruelly lambasted for being, well, a slut.
It probably shouldn't bother me, but it does. It's all like "Sure, she's a slut. But more like one of those poor waif sluts who just needs our pity and understanding. No, just kidding! She's a slutty slut! Slutty whorish impetuous strumpet style slut! She's got STDs coming out of her ears! And also from her genitals. But mostly her ears"
Hey, that's another thing. The villainization of STDs, what's the deal with that? I mean, for years AIDS has been declared the ungodly leprosy of fags and monkeys, but even things like syphillis and gonorrhea are treated like the mark of cheap crack whore prostitutes and sluts. Having an STD is not an indication of the character of a person! Most cases of facial herpes are actually passed on by sharing drinks.
I mean, let's be honest, I picked up HIV, chlamydia, genital herpes, gonorrhea, crabs, and syphilis through sheer unrepetant promiscuity, but many of the people I passed them on to were respectable sorts who happened to be rebounding from a long term relationship and needed to expend some frustration and unhappiness through alcohol and bad decisions.
Anyway. The song. 7/10

2005-07-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

Bigmouth Strikes Again by The Smiths
Wicked song. I bought a couple CDs by The Smiths a couple years ago because they were in the cheap old CDs pile at HMV, and because I'd heard people rave on and on about them. After listening to them a few times decided The Smiths were vastly overrated, put them at the bottom of my CD rack and never looked at them again. I even almost gave them away once. Then after half a year or so I decided to listen to one of the two songs which I had liked, Rusholme Ruffians. In the process I ended up listening to the whole CD and discovered that I had made a horrible error of judgement and that, The Smiths actually are wonderful. Which is cool. This song is not the second song I already liked, but now that I like The Smiths it's pretty good. Except the backup vocals. I abhor the backup vocals in it. 7/10

The Backup Vocals in Bigmouth Strikes Again
Absolutely awful. 2/10

2005-07-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

Whenever Paul Sings "Very Strange" in Penny Lane
Wicked. 10/10

2005-07-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

Quoting Song Lyrics In Your Suicide Note
Maybe it's just me, but this seems an extremely objectionable thing to do. I don't know if it's common practice or not, but it seems like the awful type of thing that might be popular among certain types of people who are inclined to make numerous failed suicide attempts. Even if one succeeds in offing themselves it's still a bad thing to do.
I mean, seriously, no matter what kind of music or which band or artist you choose, it comes across as kind of ridiculous. Think about it. The whole point of ever using quotations ever is basically because someone has already said whatever you're trying to say in better words than you can.
Anyone who has found a better way to say "I want to die" better be dead, or they can't have really meant it. And can you imagine how cliche it would be to quote someone who'd killed themselves? Seriously, if you quote Kurt Cobain or Ian Curtis on your suicide note, it would totally take away from it, because it would bring in this element which suggests that part of the reason you're killing yourself is because you're mimicking your rockstar musician idol.
All in all, quoting song lyrics in your suicide note: a bad idea. 1/10

Quoting Song Lyrics In Pretty Much Anything
Unless it is amazingly relevant, or maybe if you're reviewing music or something, it's best just to avoid it. Seriously. 3/10

2005-06-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

Female Popstars - Part One
Britney Spears
She's pregnant. And still on TV and in magazines. She's just made a deal to do her first naked photoshoot for a major publication, the reasoning being that if she's pregnant it's artistic instead of sexual. Because she wouldn't want to look overtly-sexual in a magazine.
Aren't pregnant female celebrities supposed to withdraw from the public eye until they have their kid, and then come back a few years later when the novelty of motherhood has worn off and they're prepared to neglect their children to desperately monger the attention of the press again?
Whatever. Bring back the old Britney Spears. The "Hit Me Baby One More Time" pre-Timberlake Britney Spears. This one is lame. 2/10

Mandy Moore
She tried so hard in the late nineties. And was constantly overshadowed by Britney, Christina, even Jessica Simpson, all of whom played the exact same role, right down to shoulder-blade length blonde hair and devout christian background. And so, after Candy, she disappeared, vanished.
The next time we see her she's co-starring in Saved! Have you seen Saved? You should, it was pretty funny. She gets points just for McCauley Culkin's character. 7/10

2005-06-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

Strange Unfamiliar Girls Who Talk to Me On MSN
cute pitcher says: wut are you gonna b?
cute pitcher says: i wunna b a doctor lol
graham says: i want to be an arts student
cute pitcher says: u draw?
cute pitcher says: HAHAHA
cute pitcher says: datz funi

How do they even know my email? 3/10

2005-06-19T02:06:00.000-07:00

The Penguin Classics Library Complete Collection
Okay, first of all, books are cool. Classic literature is especially cool. This is a lot of classic literature! More than a thousand books, to be precise. Seven hundred pounds of books! Can you imagine how cool that would be to have packed into a small room!
Unfortunately it is entirely impractical to ever be bought by a private individual. Seriously, at eight thousand dollars in American moneys, this costs more than a new heart, a pair of kidneys and a spare lung. I can only imagine it exists for establishments like libraries who want to buy a whole swack of literature all at once. Not a small library either.
Okay. Kudos for sheer awesomeness burned for impracticality. 8/10
Any crazed individual consumer who ever buys this gets 10/10 though.

2005-06-18T02:53:00.000-07:00

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Dialogue: mostly sucks
Obi-Wan cutting off Anakin's fucking arm and legs and just chilling and watching while he catches on fire by the banks of the lava river: wicked awesome!
Vader's weird mildly retarded movements where he bends slightly at the waist a couple times while yelling "Noooo!": fairly awkward looking, incredibly lame
Everything Yoda does, says, or touches: sucks
Mace Windu's death: fucking pathetic. I mean, come on. "I'm a bad motherfucker! Shit! My hand! Oh hell! Falling out window!"
Chewbacca: sucks
Everytime the clone troopers are just standing around chilling without their helmets and they all looked the same because they're clones!: inexplicably funny.
The shot of Vader, the Emperor and some dude (Tarkin?) looking at the under construction death star: stupid
Conclusion: 7/10

2005-06-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

Nesquik chocolate milk powder
This stuff is awesome. When I five or six I went through a stage where I would only drink milk if it was mixed with this stuff. It produces the best chocolate milk in the world. I still drink it regularly. Also, vanilla icecream, milk and quik makes the best, easiest, chocolate milkshake ever.
Some kids' parents talk shit about chocolate milk. They reason that their kids are drinking milk for healthiness reasons, that if they wanted to drink sugariness, they could just have coke or whatever. This is fucking wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. The magnesium in the milk actually neutralizes the harmful effects that the sugar of the chocolate would have on your teeth, so drinking chocolate milk is just as good for you as drinking normal milk except it's better because it's delicious.
I think it's kind of lame that they changed the name from Quik to Nesquik. Seriously, are they worried that we didn't realize that the company which makes it is Nestle? And in case the new name isn't blunt enough, the container still says "Nestle" right above "Nesquik".
Anyway, this stuff rocks. The only downside is that sometimes I get way too caught up and enamoured with mixing the chocolate powder and milk together just right, and waste like, five minutes of my day doing so, which makes me feel kind of stupid in hindsite. 9/10

Speaking of which, the absolute best way to mix your milk and chocolate powder together is as follows.
1) pour about half an inch to an inch of milk into the glass
2) add as much chocolate powder as you will need for the entire glass (usually one or two scoops depending on the size of the glass and the size of the scoops)
3) vigorously swill until the powder disolves in the milk forming a thick syrupy liquid.
4) add more milk until the glass is full
5) stir with spoon and enjoy
6) repeat as necessary
Now, the reason for mixing it with just a half inch at first is because it allows the chocolate powder to fully dissolve. If you try adding your chocolate powder to a full glass of milk, it will clump together and form little balls of undissolved chocolate powder. No matter how vigorously you stir it is practically fucking impossible to break these balls up, without the use of, say, a blender. For some reason, swilling together a higher ratio of powder to milk makes it easier to fully dissolve.

2005-06-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

Synthemsec
A weak effort. Tries far too hard to be crazy and random far too much of the time. Largely boring. A couple good entries, but they are few and far between. 3/10

Mattress Mattress the Mattress Livejournal
from June 2003 to November 2003
Good. Probably my best effort at posting regularly. Not wholly bad content either. 7/10

Synthemsec
(the second time)
Very very few posts, even less worth reading. On the bright side, comes with a section devoted to collecting together some of my Paul Revere stories, which makes it easier to find them than having to search through all my blogs. 5/10

Mattress Mattress the Mattress Livejournal
from January 2004 to July 2004
Fairly sporadic posting. For the most part managed to post things worth reading. Most of my favourite entries are in here. 8/10

The Livejournal Made Entirely of Recycled Paper
A lot of the entries really suck. And though there are a fair number that don't suck, many, (most) of them are made up of content which I created for some other reason and then posted in my livejournal just for the hell of it. 6/10

2005-06-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

My cat is meowing at the back door. The back door is a sliding glass door, so I can see through it and I can quite clearly see that my cat wants to bring its prey, a dead mouse, indoors to eat on the carpet. Furthermore, my cat is too lazy to bring it in through the cat door which is designed for just this purpose and insists on meowing at the door until I let him in.

The mouse is largely unremarkable. I give it a three out of ten. Four now that it's half eaten. It'll go up to five if my cat picks out which internal organs it doesn't like, leaves them layed out before the door, and eats the rest.

I give my cat seven out of ten. Kudos for being an awesome cat, and kudos for a successful hunt. But really, catching a mouse isn't much of a challenge. Kudos for having the audacity to expect me to welcome him in with his mouse, but negative points for thinking i'm going to let him in and then clean up the bloody mess left behind in the morning.