Female Popstars - Part One
Britney Spears
She's pregnant. And still on TV and in magazines. She's just made a deal to do her first naked photoshoot for a major publication, the reasoning being that if she's pregnant it's artistic instead of sexual. Because she wouldn't want to look overtly-sexual in a magazine.
Aren't pregnant female celebrities supposed to withdraw from the public eye until they have their kid, and then come back a few years later when the novelty of motherhood has worn off and they're prepared to neglect their children to desperately monger the attention of the press again?
Whatever. Bring back the old Britney Spears. The "Hit Me Baby One More Time" pre-Timberlake Britney Spears. This one is lame. 2/10

Mandy Moore
She tried so hard in the late nineties. And was constantly overshadowed by Britney, Christina, even Jessica Simpson, all of whom played the exact same role, right down to shoulder-blade length blonde hair and devout christian background. And so, after Candy, she disappeared, vanished.
The next time we see her she's co-starring in Saved! Have you seen Saved? You should, it was pretty funny. She gets points just for McCauley Culkin's character. 7/10

Strange Unfamiliar Girls Who Talk to Me On MSN
cute pitcher says: wut are you gonna b?
cute pitcher says: i wunna b a doctor lol
graham says: i want to be an arts student
cute pitcher says: u draw?
cute pitcher says: HAHAHA
cute pitcher says: datz funi

How do they even know my email? 3/10

The Penguin Classics Library Complete Collection
Okay, first of all, books are cool. Classic literature is especially cool. This is a lot of classic literature! More than a thousand books, to be precise. Seven hundred pounds of books! Can you imagine how cool that would be to have packed into a small room!
Unfortunately it is entirely impractical to ever be bought by a private individual. Seriously, at eight thousand dollars in American moneys, this costs more than a new heart, a pair of kidneys and a spare lung. I can only imagine it exists for establishments like libraries who want to buy a whole swack of literature all at once. Not a small library either.
Okay. Kudos for sheer awesomeness burned for impracticality. 8/10
Any crazed individual consumer who ever buys this gets 10/10 though.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Dialogue: mostly sucks
Obi-Wan cutting off Anakin's fucking arm and legs and just chilling and watching while he catches on fire by the banks of the lava river: wicked awesome!
Vader's weird mildly retarded movements where he bends slightly at the waist a couple times while yelling "Noooo!": fairly awkward looking, incredibly lame
Everything Yoda does, says, or touches: sucks
Mace Windu's death: fucking pathetic. I mean, come on. "I'm a bad motherfucker! Shit! My hand! Oh hell! Falling out window!"
Chewbacca: sucks
Everytime the clone troopers are just standing around chilling without their helmets and they all looked the same because they're clones!: inexplicably funny.
The shot of Vader, the Emperor and some dude (Tarkin?) looking at the under construction death star: stupid
Conclusion: 7/10

Nesquik chocolate milk powder
This stuff is awesome. When I five or six I went through a stage where I would only drink milk if it was mixed with this stuff. It produces the best chocolate milk in the world. I still drink it regularly. Also, vanilla icecream, milk and quik makes the best, easiest, chocolate milkshake ever.
Some kids' parents talk shit about chocolate milk. They reason that their kids are drinking milk for healthiness reasons, that if they wanted to drink sugariness, they could just have coke or whatever. This is fucking wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. The magnesium in the milk actually neutralizes the harmful effects that the sugar of the chocolate would have on your teeth, so drinking chocolate milk is just as good for you as drinking normal milk except it's better because it's delicious.
I think it's kind of lame that they changed the name from Quik to Nesquik. Seriously, are they worried that we didn't realize that the company which makes it is Nestle? And in case the new name isn't blunt enough, the container still says "Nestle" right above "Nesquik".
Anyway, this stuff rocks. The only downside is that sometimes I get way too caught up and enamoured with mixing the chocolate powder and milk together just right, and waste like, five minutes of my day doing so, which makes me feel kind of stupid in hindsite. 9/10

Speaking of which, the absolute best way to mix your milk and chocolate powder together is as follows.
1) pour about half an inch to an inch of milk into the glass
2) add as much chocolate powder as you will need for the entire glass (usually one or two scoops depending on the size of the glass and the size of the scoops)
3) vigorously swill until the powder disolves in the milk forming a thick syrupy liquid.
4) add more milk until the glass is full
5) stir with spoon and enjoy
6) repeat as necessary
Now, the reason for mixing it with just a half inch at first is because it allows the chocolate powder to fully dissolve. If you try adding your chocolate powder to a full glass of milk, it will clump together and form little balls of undissolved chocolate powder. No matter how vigorously you stir it is practically fucking impossible to break these balls up, without the use of, say, a blender. For some reason, swilling together a higher ratio of powder to milk makes it easier to fully dissolve.

Synthemsec
A weak effort. Tries far too hard to be crazy and random far too much of the time. Largely boring. A couple good entries, but they are few and far between. 3/10

Mattress Mattress the Mattress Livejournal
from June 2003 to November 2003
Good. Probably my best effort at posting regularly. Not wholly bad content either. 7/10

Synthemsec
(the second time)
Very very few posts, even less worth reading. On the bright side, comes with a section devoted to collecting together some of my Paul Revere stories, which makes it easier to find them than having to search through all my blogs. 5/10

Mattress Mattress the Mattress Livejournal
from January 2004 to July 2004
Fairly sporadic posting. For the most part managed to post things worth reading. Most of my favourite entries are in here. 8/10

The Livejournal Made Entirely of Recycled Paper
A lot of the entries really suck. And though there are a fair number that don't suck, many, (most) of them are made up of content which I created for some other reason and then posted in my livejournal just for the hell of it. 6/10

My cat is meowing at the back door. The back door is a sliding glass door, so I can see through it and I can quite clearly see that my cat wants to bring its prey, a dead mouse, indoors to eat on the carpet. Furthermore, my cat is too lazy to bring it in through the cat door which is designed for just this purpose and insists on meowing at the door until I let him in.

The mouse is largely unremarkable. I give it a three out of ten. Four now that it's half eaten. It'll go up to five if my cat picks out which internal organs it doesn't like, leaves them layed out before the door, and eats the rest.

I give my cat seven out of ten. Kudos for being an awesome cat, and kudos for a successful hunt. But really, catching a mouse isn't much of a challenge. Kudos for having the audacity to expect me to welcome him in with his mouse, but negative points for thinking i'm going to let him in and then clean up the bloody mess left behind in the morning.